Jan 7, 2014

I will be a BETTER daughter

Last Sunday night, while the Little Girl curls beside me because of her high fever, I had a bad moment with my mom. Entirely my fault. I was supposed to put "I am BAD" as the title of this post but decided to stay positive. Hence, I will be BETTER, sounded more appropriate.

As I have (always) mentioned in my previous posts, I am not totally cool. Way back when I was younger, my mom shed a lot of tears because of hard-headed me. I know I have given her enough reasons to give up on me but she didn't. Because she loves me. And I can't thank her enough.

We had a lot of arguments even before. Because my mom is always emotional and sensitive, during our fights I tend to become louder. Just because I wanted her to hear me out, I would deliberately put on a higher tone and in an annoying kind of way. All through these fights, I would endlessly point out her weaknesses without even noticing mine. I would always tell her that all I want is to see her happy yet I am the only reason of her crying. All these occurred to me last Sunday. I felt ashamed of myself. I am hurting the only person I know who will stick with me no matter what. I am unintentionally hurting the woman whose love for me is unconditional. Oh Lord, forgive me! I prayed and prayed that night that mom won't give up yet because this time, I really really wanted to make it up to her. 

As this realization sinked in to me, I want to be BETTER. I'd like to be the best daughter, but I'll start with being a better one. I want my mom to feel proud of herself for raising me up. I know our differences are inevitable, but those aren't enough reasons for me to hurt my mom some more. I have a lot to fix. A lot. But I know I'm doing good already because I am learning to accept my mistakes. 

I am quite certain that I can only be a better mother once I became a better daughter. 

Mama, I know you haven't forgiven me yet. Don't. At least not yet. I want to deserve it this time. Let me be a better daughter. I promise you I will.

I love you from the bottom of my heart.

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